Abandonment and Falling In Love

As I wake up at 4am (always around during my autumn going into winter menstrual phase) I can't ignore all the downloads/expressions of wanting to write. I love to write and express myself yet it can never be forced, it just comes. If I just stop, be quiet and listen and give myself space it just flows at such ease. Once I begin, I feel such peace with a beaming smile and my heart sings a million songs of joy.

So as I have expressed before about deep trauma, and uprooting a lot of it all within the last couple of years, it has been an extensive time of healing and working with it all. Now this feels like a time where I am not carrying giant rocks weighing me down anymore, I feel lighter by the day and I also want to point out this is just a part of my life that I find creates deep healing for me writing about it, I believe it's important to recognise and witness and I have been told many times it also provides healing for others reading it.

So I get the whole saying of focus on where you are moving towards and I preach this all the time and for me personally moving forwards towards where you want to go involves maybe coming across some roadblocks, and sometimes it may involve getting to the root of that block. So if that means working back through childhood to work through the blocks that are holding you back in life right now, the thought patterns that you've carried from a young age that still create obstacles in your day to day life today, working through fears and the traumas to release, this is forward movement. Don’t be fooled by the wording, it's all perspective and how you choose to see it. So where the focus goes the energy flows and for me that focus has been on my own healing, on loving myself and for me to continue moving forwards within that, that is what my journey has been entailing. Some parts I felt I had healed, came up again recently and this involved more journeying into even deeper. The difference being now it's so quick for the awareness to come in and is so apparent and a lot of the time I just know. I'm so tuned in with my intuition and that has been a continuation of surrender and trusting and a lot of death and rebirths. I'm completely led and guided by intuition (videos to be shared on youtube about all of this soon) and I'm still working with the egoic mind and how that wants to creep in, yet I have become such good friends with it, we have a great time now and a good laugh! When speaking with my coach recently and asked how I will know when it's been worked through and released, I said I will just feel it and I will know. And I trust and have so much faith in that feeling of knowing so deeply. It's a muscle I continuously exercise and work with a lot.

Experiencing loneliness, being someone I wasn't, performing, wearing a mask, people pleasing, being a follower and living my life through others ways of thinking, being/doing and experiencing feelings of not belonging... Eventually you have to ask yourself why.

Growing up, this all stems from my childhood and wanting to feel that deep connection of love and then through many challenging life experiences of looking for love outside of myself and not receiving it I instead began to build up layers of protection, coats of armour and wrap them all so tightly around my heart and to protect myself from all that I was feeling. What I have been recently doing the last few years is taking myself off onto the roof let's say (6/2 in HD for anyone that knows) to lick all the wounds and heal from all the trauma and to become the observer. As this child within me, like most children and adults, just wants to be and feel love and have that expressed to me in ways that I need. For me to not have my emotional needs met has been pretty soul destroying over the years and so I needed to learn how to create this within myself, to finally learn about what that really meant to me, how that feels, what I want it to look like and how I can be and receive love.

How can you trust yourself if you don't know yourself?

Now as a child, teenager and adult growing up that love on my emotional level wasn't available to me in the way that I personally needed it, we all have different ways, and I am fully accepting of the fact that we are all doing what we can at the time with the tools we have whilst coming from our own conditioning and experience of what love is. But I felt so deeply that I wanted to change how that looked and felt for me in this lifetime and hopefully for others too.

How can you receive love when your heart is still blocked?

I wanted to learn how it felt to be loved, to give love and to receive love and that all involved me journeying with this within myself whilst also deepening relationships with friends, family and intimate relationships. When you think about the ripple effect and the frequency you put out, what frequency was I constantly putting out there in the past... abandonment, not loving myself, protection, closed, neglect, disconnection, unsafe, dysregulated nervous system and more.

For so many years (like many) collectively the energy has been focused on surviving, on getting through it and just to keep going. So now for me it finally feels like I am slowly working through it all and releasing and I mean slowly and this is why I believe for anyone healing through trauma it's the small incremental changes, as soon as you add too much, for some, this can create overwhelm, which is why it is so important for myself and anyone I work with to create such a safe and trusting space and to really get to know who that person is. For us both to learn how they operate, to know when they are sitting on it and when it's time to gently move guide themselves out of that stuck space whereas others may need more of a kick. It’s so individual and I love that. I don't believe healing can be rushed, it really helps to be willing and want to help yourself, other times intervention may come into play. For one person something could take them a week to shift, others maybe months, years and lifetimes, a lot of the stress comes with the comparison. Leave that part out for it doesn’t serve in any form. I believe it comes through to us when we are ready to work with it and I believe the key is to ask for help, to be more than ok with reaching out. We are so individually unique there is no saying ‘how long’ it may take. The importance of it all is that you take steps towards helping yourself and release the pressure of rushing it and equip yourself with the tools to continue to move forwards to where you want to be. Not only will this improve the relationship you have with yourself it will massively improve the relationships you have in the outside world. I believe the process is where all the magic lies as much as it is challenging and where I have experienced all of my darkest times, that processing can be resting and recovering as much as it can be doing. Remember balance is key and to work with both masculine and feminine energies to align this.

For so long collectively we have been in an energy of competition, comparing and I feel so grateful and blessed to be alive right now whilst I personally feel the energy is shifting towards cooperating, creating balance, peace and harmony within ourselves and the relationships with others. Learning and educating ourselves on getting to know who we are. Asking for help - this is the game changer in my eyes. Learning how to support ourselves and others. Learning how to regulate our nervous systems that have spent so long in fight or flight, what I believe is happening within the collective energy at the moment is the experience and release of trauma and ptsd. Not knowing or being equipped with any tools on how to handle living in a world that is constantly providing instability and the unknown.

Now if we use this as a reflection, can you see how it may be bringing up those feelings within you? Where do you look for that feeling of safety and security? How have you learnt to respond to this energy?

If you have been living in a world where you have always been following societal ways as your way of life and being guided by that as how to live it, when it's currently offering you a very different outlook...how do you navigate in these times?

You turn inwards, you learn how to create that stability and security within yourself. You learn and become educated on how to control what is going on within you. As I always say, you cannot control people, places, things but you can control the way in which you choose to respond to these. So to me it's all about building your home. That internal home, that's where your safety lies, that's where you turn to when you feel signs of anxiety, worry and stress. That's you holding space, your love and guidance.

What's your relationship to your internal home? How does your home support you?

The reason I ask is because I spent a long time disconnected from my internal home and my roots within. When I began really deeply studying human behaviour in my mid twenties, back then I was still looking at others and the external as the problem, everything outside of me (now I also believe that the external environment plays a big part in all of this too and yet I believe that if your internal home is nourished, grounded, secure, loved and cared for, Earth is your home and it's not designated to one specific place) I was allowing all of these external things to control me rather than taking the reins and taking responsibility for all that I am and learning the role that I play and slowly beginning to learn to love every inch and part of myself so dearly and laying the foundation for this new home within.

Now at the age of 33 I feel I am currently working on self mastery with my internal home. One of the deep rooted problems within me was abandonment and this has been my theme throughout my life. I would continuously abandon myself and not stay centered within who I was or what I believed because I was I was looking for a feeling, for an experience of what I so desperately wanted to be love, through pleasing others, through a love that did not align with me, a love that at times was so toxic and painful yet I was so desperate to feel something so I would continue to abdomen myself, my values and needs.

Was this the love I believed I was deserving of? Absolutely not, I just didn't know what my true core values and needs were at that time, I had become so lost in all the different opinions of others and society etc, and soaked them all up in me and layered them all on top of me, carrying them with me as my own. I am continuously having to peel a lot of fricken layers to get to the core of who I am. Through lots of deconditioning I am getting to the root of it all and as I always say it stems from connection and love, that part is simple, yet the journeys we take to this, is remarkable.

I can only pray and hope that this continues to change and that we as a human race continue to take responsibility to learn and become conscious of our own emotional needs and traits that we carry so we can meet them first, to heal and to release our traumas so that we don’t project this onto our children, instead it stops with us, we break the generational curse and lineage, then we can learn our children's own emotional needs and be able to teach and show them how to meet theirs from a healthy space, so to not come from your own spaces of trauma.

This is my why. This is why I do what I do. This is my passion, my driving lifeforce.

Now I asked myself, how could I be loved in a way I truly believed if I hadn't learned to love myself?

Cue my ongoing journey of self love, a journey that now is shifting into such a deep sense of falling in love. I am being cracked open left, right and centre, the walls are collapsing on their own now, this time last year there was a bulldozer being put in to try and break them down, yet now it is just happening so naturally and it feels so empowering, my heart is expanding beyond belief.

It is terrifying, whilst beautiful.

When you have lived with and carried so much for all these years to continue to shed and release and live wide open from my heart again, this feels huge. When a lot of what I had learnt was how to protect myself, to then live completely open and vulnerable again feels very daunting. Like a newborn baby, free from any fears and attachments and starting a whole new life. The death and rebirth process is ongoing and this one feels BIG.

My journey of self love, what has it looked like?

A deep connection with my body, talking to myself and my inner child daily, reparenting all parts of me. Doing mirror work, creating intimacy with myself, some days this is just 5 minutes, others it has been hours. A daily practice of drinking ceremonial cacao and a heart opening practice around this. Listening to self loving soothing music, giving myself what my body needs, so many hugs to myself, caressing my face, my body, really tuning in and becoming so aware of every detail of my body and loving it so deeply. Attending a Tantra Sexuality Course to learn about true authentic intimacy and sexuality. A completely different approach to what I was brought up around with the realms of pornography and to what I believe is a sacred healing experience, this is something i am going to continue to journey with more and something I hope they one day bring into schools, teaching the beauty and art of touch, connection and sexuality. Breathing, everyday so consciously. Again some days this is 5 minutes or whilst I'm laying in bed or out for a walk, others this is a sitting down meditation practice. Learning how to truly listen to my body and connect to my heart and provide space to be able to listen to what it wants and needs and so much more.

I have made myself a promise, to never abandon myself again.

If you want to begin your journey home and start loving all that you are then send me a message and reach out or book a free discovery call to connect and chat. The first step is asking for help.

If you read this to the end, thank you for being here, for reading and for listening to my heart, body, mind and soul.

So, Much. Love.