Circle of Life

Time travelling through that circle to Katie - age 12.

This is the age I’ve been drawn to feel into recently, just before my life changed hugely on every level and where I am still being called back to feel into and really nurture with so much softness, those emotions that want attention. Continuing to align with the Mother Archetype energy.

What was going on in my life then, what did I believe in?

I believed in magic.

I am super grateful that I was able to experience and be free to do what I loved as a child. I loved anything creative and expressional and had parents that allowed me to be myself and do the things I loved whilst keeping me grounded, safe and stable.

I loved gymnastics, trampolining, acrobats, dancing, singing, the theatre, making creative things, being outside and going on adventures. Meeting new friends, animals (especially monkeys) and storytelling. I loved being in nature and dreaming, a lover of all things weird and wonderful. I had a wild imagination and was always drawn to mystical and magical life. Deeply expressive and extremely passionate, all of these brought me the uttermost joy and so much life and energy to my world. I was in love with love, the magical stories and the beauty of life. This also bought deep intense feelings and emotions which when things were going good enhanced to the most beautiful energy and brought so much light and joy but like everything we have the yin and the yang and so when things went they other way, they were also super dark and deep in the complete opposite direction but I also loved going to those spaces and being all deep in my feels, they have been my biggest opportunities and blessings.!

6th July 2001. Life changed dramatically…

My mum passed away.

Life got shaken up on all levels. The balance was gone. At age 13, I was not ready to face it, I didn't want to believe it and for a time I chose not to. I would tell myself she has just gone on holiday and she would be back, that it wasn't real. I journaled constantly, this was my therapy, I didn't want to see anyone professionally about it. I shared my feelings with friends all the time, whilst having numerous outbursts after drinking too many smirnoff ices and sneaking anything that resembled alcohol from my Dad's cupboard. The importance of friends and connection has always been huge for me and writing really helped me with how I felt, it was my space to feel, to express and to allow some form of healing. This was purely my intuition and as much as I was telling myself I didn't want to believe it, my intuition was always there guiding me to feel it and man did I feel it and enter some seriously dark places.

This was the catalyst of an awakening, very soon after I was shifted into womanhood with my first period and all of a sudden I had to grow up very quickly, without a mother, after just entering womanhood.

Lost, confused and scared without the support of a Mother I began to disconnect from myself, it was a lot to comprehend, I always spoke to her and had this deep inner knowing and feeling that she was always around me and I never lost my magic and light no matter how many dark places I went to. I was connected.

I remember clear as day how different my energies would be, with how I used to write. My dreams were so powerful and vivid that I trained myself to remember them and write them all down. Now I'm at a point where I get dates and messages come through very clearly in my dreams to guide me (more about this in another journal post to come)

With all of this I was still entering into the darker energy of it all, I turned to hating God, as I had always believed in something and I prayed so much to God for my mum to get better but it didn't happen, I wanted to stop trusting and having faith, I wanted to stop believing and for it all to go away, I didn't know how to handle the intensity of emotions and what I was feeling. The times when this has happened have truly been the darkest of my life, yet there was always this inner knowing within me that somehow it was always going to be ok.

Now the darker energy of all of this for me led me on a path of suppressing, which disconnected me from myself and I began looking outside of me for all of what I had suppressed inside of me. (hence the saying ‘all the answers are within us’) I didn't want to believe what had happened and some of those most powerful parts that so desperately wanted to be felt and loved had sunk deep into the depths of my being.

Bringing in addictions, which underneath that was the attachments and so fourth (which I’ve spoken about in other journal posts) to block myself from having to feel.

Growing up past this age into adulthood, I started allowing others' perceptions of me to change me, whilst I was also trying to change others, a way of not having to take responsibility for myself and becoming easily led and with being told numerous perceptions, I’m too emotional, too sensitive, too dramatic, too needy, I move around too much, I’m always traveling, I don't live in the real world, I live in a fantasy, I’m ‘too’ this, I’m crazy, I’m so extreme, I’m this, I’m that…the list goes on, whilst I was also in the same energy of wanting to tell others my perception of them.

Fast forward to the time when I started to take responsibility to study/learn about us wonderful humans and the main character being myself. I began to ask for help, seeing and working with therapists for my own therapy and guidance, building that relationship with myself and learning how to trust my intuition again and take action, healing and unraveling to get to my own truths.

When we are not centered and writing the story of our own life, we can become easily led by others and start adding layers upon layers of their own fears/belief/thought patterns and carrying them as our own, whilst I also believe those perceptions can be reflections and can guide us. It is just learning how to work with energy and your own intuition.

Now to all those words/sayings that were being said to me time and time again, they were all guiding me to feel my emotions.

I used to get really offended and defensive being told that I was a certain way, because I hadn't owned and accepted who I was. And as you may or may not know, our thoughts, through a process, create our reality. I began to feel ashamed and embarrassed about these parts of me and so I began to throw shade onto them and hide them. Yet the more I suppressed them, the more they wanted to be expressed.

When I did then express any of these, they were met with the same reaction because of the energy I was expressing them in, so I was reflected back with that same energy by the person I expressed it to, because my energy had pulled in people around me with those same energies (which was really just another guiding light for me to go back into myself and work with that part of me and also a reflection for them if they were willing to see that) and so if the frequency stays the same ,the cycle repeats, rather than accepting and owning and loving these parts of me and shifting the energy.

And there we have a pattern, when we work with the energy there is a chance for something to shift and a different outcome to occur. We don't have to be creatures of habit (another belief to keep us that way) we can commit to our growth and take responsibility for ourselves.

Emotions are energy and energy is frequency and so for me, instead of feeling them and transmuting them into a higher frequency revealing where all my powers, passions, creativity and strengths are. I attached them with a negative frequency and shoved them inside of me to be ignored, this is then the frequency I was putting out into the world. That I wasn't worthy, that my feelings were not valid, that I didn't accept parts of me, that I continuously abandoned myself because I was looking outside of me for all of these feelings, that I already had within me.

Photography - Mikaela Rackham

All of those perceptions, when felt into and acknowledged as emotions and feelings, when nurtured and loved, accepted and moved through, they transmute and bring me feelings of joy, happiness, freedom, love and peace.

I had to deeply connect with the Mother in me. I needed to become a Mother to myself and give to myself all of what I needed at that time. The Mother for the world. To feel everything and have the support of that Mother energy to allow myself to soften into the process and allow it all to surrender and flow. The world needs this energy more than ever right now and I urge every one of you to begin working with yourself. (Ask me for help)

And if you go back to all of these things I wrote down at the start of this post about 12 year old Katie before the balance was shaken up, all of those things I love to do that brought these feelings, all of those perceptions from others, its all just been taking me back to those places.!

Revelation?!

Have I cracked it?! (hahaha)

I love how deep I go, how expressive I am, I love my sensitivity, I love that I go on adventures to travel and explore and experience different cultures, I love how much compassion I have, how I love so deeply, that I'm super passionate and love intimacy. I love that I can be silly and laugh at myself, I love that I love love! I love that I can not take myself so seriously and I love to tell and share stories. I love the process, the unraveling, the revelations. I love learning, I love the magical world I live in and all the mystical, weird and wonderful things that happen everyday.

I love being imperfectly perfect. I feel so truly blessed.

Now I have the knowledge and wisdom to ground myself in how to work with my energy. So much surrendering, purging and trusting and learning through many different modalities of teachings, including astrology and human design combined over the years, they have been such great energy tools and systems to work with and also huge passions of mine too.

So my advice right now would be...

Focus on the feeling and the intention behind it, work with the energy first.

You want more money? Underneath the physical aspect of money, you want the feeling/sensation that money brings you. What is that feeling and the intention?

You want to start your own business? You want the feeling of what having your own business brings. What is that feeling?

So you then begin to work towards creating that feeling/sensation within you.

Knowing what I know now and the power of energy and as I grew up and learnt a whole lot, this path of love and acceptance is a beautifully vulnerable chapter of my life. Completely loving every single aspect and part of me creates the space for others to do the same. And this is how conscious healing of self and relationships helps with the evolution of and raising the consciousness of the planet.

And that’s why Circle of Life is called Circle of Life, because it is just that. And why my logo for Bespoke Journey is the Enso.

A continuation of coming home to ourselves. Going out and about living life and having all these experiences and coming home to filter through, came back to self and go out again to learn some more, growing and evolving as we go.

We are all guiding.

Every single person you meet is guiding you and teaching you and this is nothing new.

As a collective and humans, this is our constant evolution. This is why appreciating life and taking in the wonders of this world and being grateful for the simple things is so important.

All these things people have constantly been pointing out to me and reflecting to me…they are just leading me back to myself and for that I thank every single one you that I have ever crossed paths with.

I will continue to create such a deep level and understanding of who I am, my powers and my energies and how to work with them. I have continuously worked with myself to create this strong, empowered relationship to be my truest self and step into my full potential and power whilst tuning into and coming from a space and deep trust and intuition and love for what I do.

Now this is a forever ongoing journey of practice and self mastery I will continue to learn.

But I know where I thrive and instead of shoving all those feelings down and suppressing them, I will continue to use and develop them, as they are my gifts.

The difference being now, the lessons are there and I have learnt how to ground myself in the magic and this speaks volume.

Practical magic is here.!

With the energies right now collectively and how they are shifting and what is happening with the rise of the feminine energy, I feel this is to bring more softness and nourishment to the planet.

Mother Earth spent the last 2 years going through a deep pause, to rest, recover and heal whilst we also transitioned through this space of uncovering, deep healing and learning.

Right now she is calling for us deeply, she is our home and we must take deep care of her as our home is being shaken up.

Now we are here to allow some of us women to lead the way from a deep grounded nurturing space of compassion, with more sensitivity and empathy.

Be kind, always be kind. ❤

If you want to connect, just send me an email.

Much Love ❤️