Dreams and Grief

Now currently this combination is proving a very profound and powerful part of my journey and release.

As it comes up to 20 years on 6th July that my mum passed I can't help but feel so deeply connected to her and in such a magical place on my spiritual journey and I know this has played a huge part in it all.

My dreams have always played a very important role in my life, a role I maybe didn't really pay as much attention to when I was younger and go into as much depth but they were always really powerful. I remember not long after my Mum had passed, when I was just 13, my Aunt gave me a dream book. I can't quite remember all of my dreams back then but I have a few that stuck out and that proved to be part of my awakening. I journaled all the time, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, no one told me to do this, my intuition was there so powerfully at that time. I clearly remember spending time with myself just journaling, talking out loud to the sky, whoever was out there to listen. Myself and my cousin Louise always had a very close bond and when she moved away we spent our whole childhood and growing up writing to each other, sharing our emotions completely raw and open and we still to this day remain with a very tight bond and have supported each other so much throughout both our childhood and adult life. Now I know this played a huge part and a form of grieving and expressing as a child and why I have spent my whole life journaling, writing, expressing. Yes I also went down many other routes I got into a victim mindset, I couldn't grasp or understand why this was happening at such a young age, went down the route of codependency, looking for love in all the wrong things, places, situations and people, drink/drugs, self harming to name a few. Yet I also found many other ways to express myself, through dance, gymnastics, movement, adventure, travel, self development, reading and studying and numerous other things. There is always light and dark and both play an important role.

So when I truly, deeply think about it, I have always felt so connected with her, yet more so than ever right now. I remember so many clear days of that time now. However that wasn't always the case. I have spent a lot of time and energy working through the blocks to trigger those parts of my memories that I had shoved down. Not wanting to see them, feel them, experience them. But getting to those parts, yes it brought some serious deep emotions to work through and release but passed all that, it came with the emotions and feelings of what a beautiful soul my Mother is. A heart of gold and love so pure, why allow death to block all the wonderful joys of that person. It’s so perceived as a time of hurt and pain etc. but underneath all of that is always love. So to me, death is a celebration of life, of joy and of love. A chance to shine the light so brightly on the ones that touched our hearts in whatever way that was felt to you.

Because at a soul level, all we have is love and that's what I see within everyone, underneath all those layers upon layers of fears, of masks we wear and hide behind, of limiting beliefs, of old behaviours, of other people’s stuff you may have taken on as your own, strip that all away and underneath all of that is love.

So please think twice before you judge someone, their actions, their ways, it doesn't make them any less worthy as you or I. Some choose to better themselves and learn and grow and develop, others stay stuck, going round that roundabout wanting so desperately to get off. Everyone is on their own path and journey, no one is any further forward and behind. Can you find it in yourself to catch yourself and think twice when you see someone struggling as well as when you see someone growing? Now there is a choice. Let me tell you there is so much help out there, I know asking may feel uncomfortable but that couldn’t be more ok.

I encourage you to get uncomfortable. Now, we can talk about perception and how a word is just how we perceive it to be - a learned belief. For example, we have been taught to believe the word uncomfortable is going to feel uncomfortable so therefore when a situation occurs and it brings up those feelings - yep you've guessed it, you start feeling uncomfortable and so you naturally avoid it and get back to comfort. So why do we avoid that feeling? Well, we may have been taught that comfortable is safe but both comfortable and safe may also come in the form of a detriment to your help depending on what you grew up learning as safe and comfortable. It is different for every single person.

My point here is - can you see how we may have been taught these things, that may not even be our own beliefs yet we are living our life by them? What if that feeling is actually not uncomfortable, what if it is liberating, a chance to grow, a chance to develop and a chance to build and to create. What if uncomfortable could just mean change?Do you allow yourself to exercise that thought? Does that make it feel less uncomfortable for you now? So instead, seeing it as a chance to step out of what you've always known and step into something new.

So if you can switch that and change your way in which you see a word and how it feels, imagine what else you are capable of? Exercise those muscles you don't use, those feelings you avoid, the parts you don't want to be seen. They are your power!

So I say dreams and grief because I work through a lot in my dreams, they tell me a story, they give me direction, they connect me to a higher source, god, spirit, divine, whatever you choose to call it. So in the recent few days I have been connecting with my Mum in my dreams, in a different format to how I have connected with her in the past . When I was younger they were dreams of sadness, sorrow and of pain, stuff I needed to still work through and release. I know this has been waiting to happen and it's been a while since I have connected with her. All the signs have been there screaming at me to open myself to this next stage. I know that she guides me. I'm so grateful that I get to see her, to feel her, to connect with her energy, it's truly magical. I know she wasn't ready to go when she did but my soul can rest with the knowing that she left peacefully.

I have worked with a shamanic trauma healer for months helping guide and support me to the depths with this, then recently I went on a spiritual healing retreat and this involved past lives work and it shed so much light for me. Magical, beautiful and so warming. Connecting doesn't hold me in the past at all, it provides me with so much clarity and direction moving forwards. It comes down to perception and how you choose to see things and this is what I am being shown and what I am choosing.

I see death in such a different light. I experienced death in my dreams earlier this year. I believe I was shown to be open to it, to experience it and to feel it and to be able to release any fear I may have been carrying surrounding it. Now let me tell you it was unbelievably beautiful, yet my ego mind came around and naturally I thought I was dying. Part of me feels like I was reliving my mum's experience whilst I spent some time living back with my Dad in the family home for 6 months. I knew my soul had to go there to work through and heal so much and wow was it challenging at times, the depths I had to go to, yet such a profound shift and growth.

I experienced losing grandparents and my mum at a very young age and to get to this stage where I am not connecting in my dreams feels out of this world. Peaceful and so unbelievably blessed to be going through what I am going through.

I vow to share my truth, to not hide any parts of me, to show up for exactly who I am. To honour all that I am. To embrace every part of me. I know I'm destined to do this work, to help guide and show others how to do the work, to begin awakening, connecting and finding freedom of spirit and if you haven't already then I encourage you to get in touch and start working with me. You have so much to gain from this process.

Love to you all from the bottom of my heart